Archive for April, 2008

Respect and Honor Required

by Pam Parish

We live in a society that doesn’t value honor or respect. As parents, this one is hard work and we don’t have a choice in it - we must teach our children the values of respect and honor. We are all born with the “ME” syndrome, obsessively looking out for me first, what’s best for me, how do I satisfy me, on and on. It’s not until we are taught the value of putting others before ourselves and considering their needs first that we begin to understand the importance of these characteristics in our lives.

It’s extremely important that we teach our children these values, because without them they will become selfish, uncaring children and adults. We want others to see the best in our children, to see those characteristics about them that we know are so valuable and loving. However, if they can’t show respect and honor, they’ll be labeled as selfish, bullheaded and thoughtless of others. For most people, they will not be able to look past this selfishness. And, clearly, this is not how we want our children to be labeled.

One simple rule we have in our home is that our children are not allowed to address adults by their first names. They have been taught to call adults Mr. & Ms. (last name or first name), or by their family/familiar name (i.e. Pastor, Aunt, Uncle, Papaw, Mamaw, etc.). It’s a simple rule that has a profound impact not only on the way our girls show respect to their elders, but also in the respect they receive in return. You’d be amazed at how many people think extremely highly of our daughters, simply because they addressed them by Mr. or Ms. - from that point on most adults usually see our girls as respectful, well-behaved young ladies. You see, we’re teaching our girls that when you give respect and honor, you usually get it in return. Here are a few sub-rules as it relates to respect and honor:

  • Treat every person with kindness and respect no matter their age, social status or race
  • Always show respect to those who are older and wiser than you are
  • Honor those in authority around you
  • Obedience is a show of respect and honor, be quick to obey

Parents, this applies to you too.

As easy as it is to say that we need to teach our children to be respectful and honoring toward us and other adults, we have to remember that we bear a large responsibility also. Namely, being respectful and honoring to our children and to others in front of our children. Remember, your children will not always follow the motto, “Do as I say and not as I do” - they watch your life and emulate it.

If you are not respecting and honoring them, it will be hard for them to honor and respect you. Oh, they may force themselves to “comply” with your “rules” but their heart attitude will be one of bitterness and resentment toward you as they do it. The goal for you as a parent is to be respectful and honoring toward your children so that even when they disagree with what you’re asking of them, they respect you because they know that you’re considering their point of view and that you are making the decision according to what you feel is their best interests. We’ll discuss how to get to this place of respect for your children in another post.

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The Word is Our Bond

by Pam Parish

This is a bit of a twist on the saying, “Let your word be your bond” - we believe that The Word is our bond as a family. It’s the Word of God that binds us together, keeps us whole and complete. We have a love for God’s Word, we study it, we pray it, we journal about it, we read it at the dinner table. Every single problem that we might encounter with our kids is already addressed in the Word…. selfishness, deception, disrespect, obeying authority, putting others first, loving unconditionally, sexual desire, protecting yourself from sinful influences…. yep, it’s all there.

In parenting, the Word truly is your sword and your shield, we couldn’t do it without it. Don’t be afraid to read the Bible out loud, together as a family…. then talk about what you’ve read. You’ll be surprised at the topics that come up and the struggles that you reveal and have a chance to discuss. Nothing digs deeper into our souls than the Word of God - help your children learn it, live it and love it. That’s your primary job.

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Talk, Talk, Talk!

by Pam Parish

Alright, I have girls, so I know this is probably a bigger issue for us than if we had boys. However, no matter the gender of your children, you must realize the importance of talking with them - about stuff that interests them. Do I really care what Zac Efron’s (that’s Troy Bolton in High School Musical for those uneducated of you out there) favorite fast food is? No, really, I don’t - but I know it’s Quiznos (at the time of this writing [cause we all know it'll change] he’s Heather’s dreamboat). You have to know what interests your kids and get interested too, if you don’t they’ll find friends who are and you can’t always guarantee that it would be friends you’d approve of.

But it’s not just the small stuff that you have to talk with them about. It’s the big stuff too. Our girls talk to us about sex, boys, friendships, fights, struggles in their relationship with God, when they hurt, when their confused and when they just simply want to rattle on-and-on-and-on-and-on about their day. No subject is off limits in our house (and believe me sometimes they shock us), if they’re coming to us for advice, we’re all ears and we want to help them because we want them to know the truth from a place of wisdom and love. Moms of daughters, when’s the last time you curled up in bed beside your daughter and just said, “Wazz up?” - try it sometimes, they love it. (by the way, Heather made me change ‘What’s up’ to ‘Wazz up’ because she said I wasn’t being cool…hmmm…need to work oh my ‘cool factor’, I guess.)

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Model What You Teach

by Pam Parish

This one is very easy to say but much harder to do. As parents, if we’re teaching our children the values of being honest, respecting others, obeying authority, having a relationship with God, etc.. we must be willing to model those same values in our own lives. The motto, “Do as I say but not as I do.” may sound reasonable enough, but it simply isn’t reality. Your children learn from watching you and, whether you realize it or not, they are watching your actions far more consistently than they’re listening to your words.

Here’s a type of conversation that happens in hundreds of families on a consistent basis:

The family is sitting at the dinner table or in the car on the way out to eat….
Husband to Wife, “How was your day today?”
Wife to Husband, “Oh, it was fine. How was yours?”
Husband to Wife, “It was good. I tell you what though, my boss Don is an idiot. Just today, I was minding my own business, trying to finish an urgent report that he needed, when Sue from Customer Service stopped by to ask me how to handle a difficult client situation, I was trying to help her solve her situation when Don came by and told me that I needed to refocus on the report because he needed it ASAP - I got so mad. I mean, what nerve, embarrassing me in front of a colleague. I knew he wanted the report urgently and I would have gotten back to it, but Sue needed my help too. Oh, I finished his report alright and when I took it to him, I slammed it on his desk, he needed to know that he was in the wrong for calling me out like that.”
Wife to Husband, “I’m sorry honey, tomorrow will surely be better. Don knows you’re a good employee, he couldn’t run the business without you. Oh, by the way, that reminds me, you should ask Jimmy about the note we received from the school today.”
Father to Son, “Jimmy, what note is your mother talking about?”
Son to Father, “It’s a note from my teacher, Dad, got in trouble at school today.”
Father to Son, “Oh yeah? Go on…”
Son to Father, “Well, we were in the middle of our class work assignment and Bobby needed help on a question that he was stuck on. I was finished, so I was trying to help him understand the teacher’s instructions. Well, just then Mr. Mason looked up and said, ‘Jimmy, you were instructed to keep quiet during the class work time, if you’re able to have a conversation then you must be finished with your work bring it to the front to turn in and return to your seat quietly.’ I got mad and stomped to the front of the class and turned in my paper on his desk and said, ‘There, I was done anyway.’ He talked to me after class and told me that my behavior was disrespectful and that I should have been obeying the rules anyway. I told him that I was only trying to help a classmate and he said that it didn’t matter, it was still breaking rules and that he was going to have to send a note home to you.”
Father to Son, “Son, how many times have we told you that you are in school to learn and that you have to respect your teachers and honor their authority? I’m really getting tired of having to talk to you about these issues. Look, I don’t want to ruin dinner, so your mom and I will discuss your consequences later this evening. Tomorrow, I need you to apologize to Mr. Mason. Got it?”
Son to Father, “Yes, Dad, I’ve got it.”
Husband to Wife, “How many times are we going to have to deal with this with him? I just don’t get it, we’ve taught him better.”

Do you see what happened here? Yeah, mom and dad have taught Jimmy the ‘rules’ of being respectful and obeying authority, but the example that Dad is setting is exactly the opposite. And, take my word for it, your children know when you’re being hypocritical and it creates a distrust in you as a person. Our kids have to be able to trust and respect us as individuals who they can look up to as examples. When they can do that, our words have much more weight and authority in their lives.

Be prepared, you will be tested in front of your children, and they will notice if you fail to follow your own rules. You can do it - practice what you preach!!! Your children will have a much greater respect for your rules when they see that not only do you, as an adult, still have to follow them, but that you actually do! As an added benefit, they’ll respect you more too!

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Keep Your Word (Do What You Say, When You Say It)

by Pam Parish

I think we can all relate to this one. We’ve all been in the mall or grocery store and seen worn out parents saying things like, ”If you do that one more time, I’m gonna….”, “We’ll leave if you keep this up…..”, “You’re about to get it big trouble….” and then not following through with their words and, instead, continuing to issue the same warning multiple times. This only teaches our kids that we don’t do what we say and that they can ignore us without consequence. Not only that, but it then drives us to a place of complete and utter frustration where, finally, we get so fed up with the behavior that we lash out in anger and frustration causing even more damage to our kids. They see us as unpredictable time-bombs and are completely at a loss on how to gauge their behavior around us.

When we teach our kids to ignore our instructions, we fail as parents in giving them a measuring stick by which to moderate their behavior. This rule is a simple one for us, if we say we’re going to do it - we do it. Both of our girls know that if we say, “If you _______ then _______” we will absolutely follow through on our words. This teaches them to obey instantly without question and it also gives them a safe measure for how far they can go. By being predictable, we give them the ability to make fully informed choices on their own behavior. Because they know that we will follow through, they also know that if they choose to continue with the behavior, they are choosing the consequence too. This puts the proverbial “monkey” on their back and not on ours to decide when we’re just fed up. It also helps keep us out of the place of anger because we don’t allow ourselves to get pushed that far.

WARNING: This rule is tough on parents too. Steve and I have to be constantly aware of our words, because we know that if we say it, we have to do it. We have made mistakes and, out of frustration or anger, issued a warning with a consequence that really was just too stiff for the “crime” but had to stick with it because we’d said it (I say “we” but actually, I’m more likely to do this than Steve, he’s much more laid back). Occasionally, when we do this, we’ll tell the girls that we’ve decided that there is still a consequence for their behavior, but that we realize the one we stated is a bit too tough. You just don’t want to make backtracking on your words a habit - so you must weigh your words before you say them - being careful not to mouth off in haste. Yes, mom & dad, we still mouth off too.

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Value vs. Behavior and Behavior = Consequences

by Pam Parish

This is a biggie for us. As parents, it is extremely important that we learn to separate the value of our children as individuals from their behavior. We view our daughters as important, valuable individuals with great gifts that they have been blessed with in their lives so that they can make a difference for others - we try to always see them as God sees them. This view is especially important when it comes to behavior. I’ve said before that they’re not perfect and, believe me, they do misbehave and break the rules. We just make sure that we separate the bad behavior from the good child - we even make it a point to say, “You’re not a bad girl, but your actions/behavior in this instance was bad, and that is what we’re going to talk about.” Intentionally separating the behavior from the person helps them maintain their dignity and value as a person and focus solely on the choices that they made that got them into their current situation.

When it comes to bad behavior, we have what many would consider a very low tolerance level. While we base everything on showing mercy and grace first, we’re also very quick to address behavior issues. If it’s a first time offense we will talk with them about the behavior and give them clear direction on how we would have expected them to behave/respond, then we let them know that the next time this behavior occurs, there will be consequences. After that, we follow the rule that ‘behavior = consequences.’

In our house consequences range anywhere from spankings (our girls are getting too old for this one, but it’s quite effective on younger children) to grounding. We’ve even been known to completely empty one of our daughter’s rooms (seriously, down to white sheets and blankets on the bed) to address behavior. (Eventually the items were given back, but it took a while.) The reason this is so important is that it provides our girls with consistent accountability. As we’ve already discussed, our girls know that we love them unconditionally and we know they are going to screw up. They also know that it’s our jobs as parents to discipline them fairly and appropriately so that we can help them overcome the behaviors that would hinder them later in life. No, they don’t like consequences, but they understand it. So, in that respect, we’re all on the same page.

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Parent the Adult, Not the Child

by Pam Parish

This is a major paradigm shift for many parents, but it’s critical. It doesn’t matter what age your children are, you have to parent from the perspective of the adult that they will one day become. Our daughters are pre-teens and we have to adjust our parenting style to recognize their growing independence and need for new freedoms, but it’s not the pre-teen that we’re parenting - it’s the women that they’re growing into. We tell our girls all the time, “We aren’t parenting the 12/11 year-old that you are right now, we’re parenting the adult that you are one day going to be.” When you see it this way, it changes how you view the importance of what you’re doing today.

By viewing our parenting as molding adults, we don’t tolerate or accept a lot of the behaviors that are often associated with “that’s just how pre-teens… teens… etc..” are. If our daughters have a problem with lying, we address it quickly, because I’d rather deal with it now than ignore it or accept it and let them grow up with a problem that hinders their lives as adults. If they have an issue with respect, we ask them, “When you’re an adult, do you think your husband or boss will accept disrespect? or do you think it might cost you your marriage or your job?” I would much rather challenge them now, and even make them mad at me from time to time, then to have them mad at me later, as adults, when they’re lives are messed up and filled with disappointment and they wonder why never prepared them for it.

You see, it’s critically important that we think about the adults that they will one day become because I don’t want to wake up one day and the opportunities to help them craft their futures are behind us. They have tremendous potential - it’s our job to help them understand that and be the best individuals that they can be.

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Love Comes First, and Second…

by Pam Parish

In order for any parenting “rule” to work consistently, your children must know first and foremost that you love them unconditionally. We tell our children that we love them multiple times everyday. However, it’s more than just the simple words “I love you” - we also have to understand who they are as individuals and what their love languages are so that we can also show them how much we love them in the way they receive love. With our girls we understand that Kristan’s love language is words of affirmation and Heather’s is touch - so we have to show our love for each of them in different ways. For Kristan, it’s telling her she did a good job on something (you should see her face glow) and for Heather it’s lots of hugs and kisses, she loves being close to us. We are intentional in loving our daughters and they know that no matter what they do we will never stop loving them - ever.

We’ve seen lots of parents use love as a tool in their parenting, giving it or taking it away based on the child’s behavior. Our children need a foundation of unchanging love to properly grow into the men and women God designed them to be. God doesn’t remove his love from us when we misbehave (and we all do) - so why would we do that to our children?

Love is definitely first in everything we do. And, it’s also second. We’ll talk more about discipline in some of our other sections, but - as it relates to love - we have a rule. After discipline, love is always next. It is extremely important that our daughters know that we love them, even after they’ve just screwed up. We always go back and reaffirm our love for them and the value we find in them after we’ve disciplined them. Many times we begin our correction with statements of love and end with statements of love.

Yes, it’s that important.

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5 Parenting Myths You Can Kiss Goodbye

by Pam Parish

I ran across a great article over at Parenting.com about 5 Parenting Myths that really deserve a second look. Honestly, when I first saw a few of them - I totally agreed with some of the myths - until, I dug a little deeper. Let’s take a look…

Myth #1 - You know your child better than anyone.

My first thought was, “Well, of course this is true, isn’t it?” I mean, come on, no one really knows my kids but me. I know their strengths, their weaknesses, what they like to eat, what they don’t, how neat they are, what hobbies they enjoy…..I can totally go on….. What I discovered as I accepted the invitation to look at the “Bigger Picture” was that, although that myth ’sounds’ good - it’s far from the truth. And, it’s a myth that every parent needs to destroy. We really can’t afford to assume that everything that there is to know about our kids is that easily accessible. We have to take the time to consider that our kids may be different in social situations such as school, church and play dates than we’re accustomed to seeing them at home with the family. And, not only do we have to shift our thinking to acknowledge that we may not know what we don’t know, but we also have to realize that there may be others - teachers, friends, other parents - who have knowledge of our kids from other situations that we just simply don’t have. For our children’s sakes, we have to be willing to invest the time and effort into researching, listening, learning and trusting the insights of others.

Myth #2 - You can shape your child’s personality.

Ok, I totally realize that this is a huge issue for many parents. Lots and lots of people buy into this myth and believe that if they work hard enough, are consistent enough and create the right “opportunities” they can help their shy child become as cute and outgoing as the neighbor down the street, or the talkative child be as quiet and proper as the little girl at church. While, as parents, our styles of parenting, our family influences and our instructive discipline are all valuable in helping to shape our children. We can’t forget that they have a unique personality that will be with them for life - it’s in our best interest, and theirs, if we help them shape themselves according to the strengths of their God-given personality. It’ll be more fun and fruitful for all of us.

Myth #3 - The more time you spend with your child, the better adjusted they will be.

I can’t tell you how many parents that I know that are on one end of the spectrum or the other on this myth. Either they believe whole heartedly that by staying home and spending every spare minute of their time with their children that they’re giving them the best possible chance at life - or, that because they have to go off to work and leave their kids at a daycare they’re doing irrevocable harm to them. It really isn’t that simple and we have to realize that, as the Parenting.com article puts it, “kids aren’t fragile flowers.” The resiliency of children is simply amazing and as long as you are entrusting your kids to nurturing, loving caregivers that provide love, safety and an opportunity for them to grow, your kids will turn out fine. As with the previous myth, you might actually be surprised at how they flourish and the strengths you discover.

Myth #4 - You are your child’s best role model.

This myth puts a lot of pressure on so many parents who believe that if they aren’t the super-go-getter at work, the perfect ‘martha stewart’ cook, the church’s best volunteer or the best sports dad in the neighborhood that they’re children won’t grow up successful. It’s great to show your kids how to be responsible in life by providing real-life examples from your own personal experience, but the danger with this myth is that it pushes many parents into over-performance which causes them to be tired and not have any of themselves left to give to quality family experiences that create lasting memories. The bottom line on this myth is that your kids are much more likely to remember the afternoon you spent with them in the park teaching them how to fly a kite than they are the multitude of toys and electronics you can buy because of your 80-hour work weeks. Take a breath, be yourself. Your kids will appreciate it.

Myth #5 - You owe your child the best things.

Ok - now we’re treading on dangerous ground - careful, there are mine-fields all around. . Maybe we should start a new group “Over Indulgent Parents Anonymous (OIPA)”, “Hi, I’m Pam, and I’m an Over Indulgent Parent.” All joking aside, this is an uber-serious problem in America. A problem which I find myself guilty as an offender. We just can’t help ourselves, the toy aisle is so tempting, oh and that new Elmo - have you seen him?, the new video iPod is a must have, and the Wii - WEEEEEEE need one! Seriously, we all do it. But, what we have to realize is that it isn’t teaching our kids how to have patience, to want something and work hard to earn it, to accept the fact that we don’t get everything we want in life and just in general to appreciate what they do have as enough (and, yes, for most kids, it’s enough). There was a startling statistic in this article, “66 percent of American parents believe that their kids equate self-worth with what they own” Hopefully, I don’t have to be the one to tell you that this is dangerous. We have to teach our kids that life isn’t easy. I’d much rather my kids learn that lesson while they live under my loving roof than to watch them learn it the hard way as an adult, with possible dire consequence.

I’m thinking about it….are you?

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