by Pam Parish
I think we can all relate to this one. We’ve all been in the mall or grocery store and seen worn out parents saying things like, ”If you do that one more time, I’m gonna….”, “We’ll leave if you keep this up…..”, “You’re about to get it big trouble….” and then not following through with their words and, instead, continuing to issue the same warning multiple times. This only teaches our kids that we don’t do what we say and that they can ignore us without consequence. Not only that, but it then drives us to a place of complete and utter frustration where, finally, we get so fed up with the behavior that we lash out in anger and frustration causing even more damage to our kids. They see us as unpredictable time-bombs and are completely at a loss on how to gauge their behavior around us.
When we teach our kids to ignore our instructions, we fail as parents in giving them a measuring stick by which to moderate their behavior. This rule is a simple one for us, if we say we’re going to do it - we do it. Both of our girls know that if we say, “If you _______ then _______” we will absolutely follow through on our words. This teaches them to obey instantly without question and it also gives them a safe measure for how far they can go. By being predictable, we give them the ability to make fully informed choices on their own behavior. Because they know that we will follow through, they also know that if they choose to continue with the behavior, they are choosing the consequence too. This puts the proverbial “monkey” on their back and not on ours to decide when we’re just fed up. It also helps keep us out of the place of anger because we don’t allow ourselves to get pushed that far.
WARNING: This rule is tough on parents too. Steve and I have to be constantly aware of our words, because we know that if we say it, we have to do it. We have made mistakes and, out of frustration or anger, issued a warning with a consequence that really was just too stiff for the “crime” but had to stick with it because we’d said it (I say “we” but actually, I’m more likely to do this than Steve, he’s much more laid back). Occasionally, when we do this, we’ll tell the girls that we’ve decided that there is still a consequence for their behavior, but that we realize the one we stated is a bit too tough. You just don’t want to make backtracking on your words a habit - so you must weigh your words before you say them - being careful not to mouth off in haste. Yes, mom & dad, we still mouth off too.
