Archive for May, 2008

$7 or $70: Which Do You Want?

By: Pam Parish

One of the things that I’ve learned in life is that the lessons that I’ve learned the hard way are the ones that I’ve truly learned. Over and over, I’ve found it to be true that when I’ve made a wrong choice, it ultimately causes me pain. This is the key reason why we become wiser as we get older. It’s not because are brains suddenly get bigger, or because there’s a Wisdom 101 class that anyone over the age of 30 gets to take. It’s simply because we’ve learned from our mistakes, felt the pain of our choices and made the decision to make better decisions - because the bad ones hurt.

Last night, I had the opportunity to experience wisdom in the making; in the life of my daughter, Heather. It stinks as a parent to watch your child, whom you know is a great kid, screw up badly and have to suffer the consequences. Here’s the story:

Heather found $7 on the lunch room floor at school. Even though she knew that she should turn it in, her desire for the money ruled out and she made the choice to keep it; simply because she wanted it (we’ve all been there, huh?). A few days later, I found the money and she told me that one of her friends had asked her to hold it for her and she forgot to give it back. (uh oh, anyone sense a downhill slide on that one? - let the whistle of the wind begin) I asked her to return the money the next day at school. Prior to leaving for school, I made sure she had the money to return. That night, I noticed $5 on the floor beside her backpack; I asked her where it came from. She said that she had given her friend the money, but that she gave her $5 of it back. (we’re pickin’ up speed here folks - hold on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride) This time, I took the money and told her that I would give it to her teacher to be distributed to the student. Yesterday, after school, we asked her what happened with the money. She told us that the teacher had given it to her friend. (At this point, we’re smelling really rotten fish in the water) To which, we asked, “If we ask your teacher, what will he say is the story behind the money?” She gave a few answers like, “I gave my friend the money, but asked to see the $5 and forgot to give it back.” or “I gave my friend the money, but wanted $5 so I asked if I could have it.”

Ultimately, the weight of it all was too big a burden for her to bear and she said, “Mom, I need to tell you the full truth.” She then told us where the money had originated from, and that, fearing more trouble when I began to question, she coaxed her friend into going along with her story to the teacher. After much discussion on stealing, lying and being a bad influence to your friends, here’s the lesson that we taught:

We asked her to come downstairs. When she arrived and sat down, we had two piles of money - $7 and $75. We asked her which pile of money she wanted, of course, she said the $75. I told her that, unfortunately, she’d already made her choice - the $7. The $75 had been a planned blessing - spending money that her dad and I had sat aside for her to take to Kentucky when she left to spend two weeks with family, this Friday. However, now, because she has placed such a high value on $7 - to the point of stealing, lying and dragging her friends, teachers and parents along for the ride - she would only get the $7 that she chose with her actions. I explained that God has many, many blessings in store for our lives and sometimes, tomorrow may hold a huge blessing for us, but our actions today could blow it. Everyday, we’re faced with choices to do good or do evil - when we make those choices we’re also choosing the consequences which accompany them. I told her that from now on, when she’s faced with a decision of good or evil / truth or deception - I want her to ask herself one question, “Do I want the $7 choice or the $70 choice? - Do I want the immediate desire of my flesh, or the ultimate blessing of God?” I hope it’s a lesson she’ll remember for life. It sure is going to suck watching her sister spend $75 over the next two weeks when she only has $7. Thus is the lessons we learn the hard way.

What Steve and I realized is that we had a choice to make, too. We could either get angry (which we were) and react, or we could step back and take the opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance; allowing the pain of personal choice to be the ultimate teacher. I’m thankful that, at least in this instance, we chose wisely; goodness knows we’ve made the unwise choice often. Heather was genuinely sorry that she had let us down but, more importantly she realized that she had let herself down, and ultimately cost herself a blessing because of a wrong choice. I don’t think it’s a lesson she’ll forget anytime soon.

What about you, do you want the $7 or $70? We make the choice in big and small ways, everyday.

in Discipline Adventures and Parenting General. 0 Comments

Fun, Fun, Fun

By: Pam Parish

Long work hours. Busy schedules. The television. The computer. Laundry. Dirty Dishes. Bills. Groceries. I could go on and on but I think you get my point. When, exactly, did we lose our free time? Our time for leisure, and fun? I’m not sure exactly, but I know we have, and it’s to our own detriment - and that of our kids. Don’t you think it’s time we took back our leisure time? I do.

We need to reclaim fun in our families. And I don’t mean Susie’s cheerleading competition or Joey’s soccer practice. I mean fun, together, as a family. Laughter, goofy jokes, silly games and rambunctiousness that you share as a family. There are many ways you can have fun… playing in the yard, playing a board game, riding bikes, going to a local park, going camping, playing miniature golf or real golf for that matter. It’s simply about spending time together interacting with one another.

There are many reasons to schedule fun time as a family, here are just a few:

It Creates Memories

I bet if you remember back to your own childhood, some of your most vivid memories are of times you spent with your family having fun. I know that’s true for me. I am the oldest of three kids, with two younger brothers (talk about date night torment!), but I remember growing up and having lots of fun together riding bikes, playing “Kiss” (the rock band…makeup and all) on the picnic table, building club houses in the woods and riding go carts. Well, I only did the last one once. My brothers had gotten a new go cart and I begged and begged my dad to let me drive it, finally, he relented and showed me how to steer, brake and use the gas. I couldn’t wait to take off around the house. You see, my objective was to ride it around the house once and then back to my dad in front of the garage. It was a simple enough objective with a pretty clear path and no major obstacles in the way; with the minor exception of one large pine tree about 8 feet in diameter in the center of our side yard, on the opposite side of the house. But, really that shouldn’t be a problem because there’s at least 500 feet of clear yard on either side of it to go around it. I’m sure I don’t have to tell the rest of the story, and if you’re ever at our family Christmas gathering you can hear it yourself - my dad LOVES to recount this one. Of course, I hit the ONLY tree in the entire yard going full blast on the go cart. It took my dad weeks to fix it. Nope, I never rode the go cart again. I’m still not actually too fond of them.

Here’s the thing though, it’s a lasting memory that now we share laughter over and remember as good times together as a family. We have lots of these types of stories to tell and you should too.

It Lets Your Kids See You in a Different Light

It’s funny, but it never ceases to amaze me when my kids react in shock if their dad or I break out into a hip song, funky dance or tell a funny joke. What do they think we are? Old codgers who can’t have any fun? Straight and narrow rule makers who can’t crack a smile? Funny, but, yes, sometimes our kids can see us that way. Why? Because we are. We get so caught up in the “doing” of life - bills, work, homework, bedtimes, chores - that we inadvertently become the eternal enforcers of rules and forget to just be human and have fun. I’m certainly guilty as charged, too.

It’s extremely important that your kids see you in a different light sometimes. It makes it easier for them to relate to you and to trust you. It’s hard to talk to someone who is always on a completely different level than you are. Think about it. Have you ever had a manager or boss that it was difficult to talk to, aside from business conversation? Someone that was on such a different level than you that you found it very hard to relate? I know I have - and, that isn’t the person that I would choose to go to if I were struggling and needed some advice. I’d seek out someone that I could relate to. We want our kids to find that they can relate to us - that they can come to us and we’ll understand. This type of relationship with your kids doesn’t happen just because you say it should. It happens because you invest time in showing them that you are more than just the rule maker. Go ahead. Have some fun.

It’s Fun!!!

in Foundations in Parenting. 0 Comments

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

By Pam Parish

Boy, I have to admit that this one is much easier to say than it is to do. However, I know that it’s invaluable to my relationships with my daughters that I understand where they’re coming from and what’s important to them. It’s so easy as a parent to forget what’s going on inside their hearts and heads and focus only on what I think the issue is from my angle. The danger in doing that is that I limit my understanding and, in turn, my response, correction or advice becomes inadequate.

We have to recognize that as our children get older, their perspectives change based on what’s going on in their bodies and in their peer groups. While it may have been easy for you to say, “No, I’d rather you not do xyz…” and your child respond with understanding and obedience, that may suddenly change and now your child throws a rather big fit over the issue. At this moment, it’s easy to accuse the child of disrespect or disobedience (and, depending on their tone, these may need to be addressed) - but, we need to also look deeper and see that maybe something deeper is behind their response. It could be as simple as, “everyone is going” and while we may want to just brush that off, we need to be sensitive enough as parents to take a deeper look. Maybe the real root is that your child is feeling like an outsider because all of their friends are doing certain things that they aren’t - this is an issue of self-esteem that, as a parent, you can use as an opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance. And, maybe, after considering the deeper issue, you’ll discover that what you thought was important to begin with needs a little modification on your end - hey, it’s ok - we all do it.

These types of things have happened many times in our household where we had to look deeper at values that our children were developing such as freedom, independence and peer relationships. We’ve found it to be extremely important that we understand these developing values in our children so that we can look at the things through their lenses. This not only gives you understanding as a parent, but it brings the trust level way up with your child when they know that you’re seeking to understand them and help them above all else.

I realize that this can be difficult, and believe me, I’m not always successful at it myself. I do know, however, that I’d rather take some time to understand my kids than to have them groaning under their breath or behind my back that they just “can’t wait to get outta here” when their older.

This is just another area where looking at myself and using wisdom not only makes me a smarter parent, but helps my kids understand that at least I’m trying. I gotta get a little street cred for that, huh?

in Parenting General. 0 Comments