Archive for the 'Foundations in Parenting' Category

Technology is Not a Parenting Replacement

By: Suzanne Clark

There are many things about parenting that I feel passionately about….spanking, threatening, bribing, over-indulging, complacency….I could go on…..but, the one thing that seems to really send me up the tree is dvd players in the backseat of any car, handheld video games at the dinner table in a restaurant, and, really, any other form of technology that is overused to prevent parents from parenting.

My husband is a technology nut. It’s what he does. His career success is defined by the many facets of information he has stored in his brain about technology. He is an electrical engineer, and is passionate about how things work and how he can make them work better and faster. Our home is wired for everything. There are boxes and boxes and boxes of what I will call ‘wires and things’ in the garage. The closet under our staircase (the one most people use to store Christmas decorations) has been deemed Mission Control for our home. There is an entire wall dedicated to ‘plugs and wires’ that control the home automation system my husband designed and installed into our house as it was being built. Just to give you an example…..we have a button near the front door that we call ‘the goodnight button.’ At the end of the evening, as we drag ourselves upstairs to bed, we push this button and every light in the house turns-off, the alarm arms, and the lamp at the top of the stairs turns on. I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, wow, that’s cool, but, is it really necessary?? No, of course not. But, this is what my husband does as his hobby. I could give you 50 more examples – things like – when the phone rings at our house there is an announcement throughout the entire house (because we have ceiling speakers throughout the entire house, even in the garage) that announces (in my husband’s voice) who is calling and who they are calling for. “Suzanne, you have a call from……Pam.” Again, cool, but, not necessary for the survival of mankind.

I say all this to set the stage for what I am about to tell you. We DO NOT have a dvd player in our minivan. On the sad, sad day we had to buy our van (We were not happy about being minivan owners), we were offered the dvd player option. My poor, poor husband had to sit silently as I explained to the poor, poor salesman that, No, we didn’t want the dvd player, and No we didn’t need the navigation system (I sort of regret that one), and, NO we would not consider adding it at a later time.

My rationale is this:

My time with my children is precious. I enjoy their company. I enjoy the silly things they have to say. I like to know what they see when they look out the window and spot something new for the first time. I want them to know what boredom is so that they learn creativity and patience. I don’t want to have to put Dora the Explorer on in the car because they need to be entertained on the way to the grocery store. I’d rather listen to them whine, bicker and cry, or, listen to them laugh, play games together and know I genuinely enjoy all of our moments together.

In doing this, we have another opportunity to add to the solid foundation we want to provide for our children. It may seem silly to put so much emphasis on one, silly, little dvd player. But, when you think about it, and think about all the time you spend in the car with your kids, there are a lot of opportunities missed while the kids are watching a dvd, and you’re talking on your cell phone.

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Cherish Every Moment

By: Suzanne Clark

This phrase is so cliché, but when it comes to my children, I mean it with every ounce of my being. It’s easy to say this, and mean it, as I sit here alone on the couch typing in a peaceful house while my husband and three children are sleeping upstairs. Tomorrow is my son’s third birthday. Tonight we had dinner, made cupcakes for his class, and went swimming. It was a calm, predictable evening – one that is easy to cherish and enjoy.

There are times, however, that life isn’t so blissful. There are times that I wonder how I am functioning and how I’ve managed to stay committed to my ‘no-spanking’ rule….believe me, I question my decision frequently. But, after lots and lots of practice, I’ve learned that even in the midst of simultaneous meltdowns by my 3 and 1 year old, I can take a step back and smile. In the heat of chaos when nothing is going right, and children are grumpy and impossible to please, I can still smile. How is this possible??

I’ve taken a lot of time to talk to myself about why I chose to parent and what I expected from parenting. After accepting that there are going to be many challenging times, I reconciled that I would still rather have the experience of being their mother even if they have just thrown themselves on the floor at Target and are screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs. I can cherish these moments just as wholeheartedly as I can the serene, predictable times like earlier tonight on the eve of my son’s 3rd birthday.

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Family Trumps it All

By: Suzanne Clark

I recently participated in a job interview and was asked how my family obligations would interfere with the expectation of my employer that I work two to three nights a week.  I could easily answer this question because for years now I have worked some evenings, and, still managed to incorporate as much family time possible.  Incorporating real family time into an already hectic schedule can be trying, but, to me, is worth every exhausting minute.

On days that I have to work during the day and also work in the evenings, I still make it a point to take my kids to school, pick them up and make them dinner.  Some may be thinking – wow, that’s great – you mean you get a whole hour with them that day?  Yes, you’re right. The drop off/pick-up and dinner probably only totals about an hour, but, it’s a great hour – one that keeps us connected.  Believe me, it would much easier to have my husband do the running around on these 12-hour work day, but parenting isn’t about convenience. It’s about, well, parenting.

Even in the midst of my hectic life as a working (outside the home) mom, my family in the forefront of my mind.  I’m honest about the fact that I work to fill a personal need of my own. I do what I love and love what I do.  That said, I also firmly believe that although my career is important to me, it is nothing compared to the wellbeing of my family.

My family trumps it all – meaning that at any moment work takes a backseat to my family’s needs.  Being proudly and comfortably resigned to this makes family/work decisions very easy.  When there is a conflict between time with my family and time at work, family wins.

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Fun, Fun, Fun

By: Pam Parish

Long work hours. Busy schedules. The television. The computer. Laundry. Dirty Dishes. Bills. Groceries. I could go on and on but I think you get my point. When, exactly, did we lose our free time? Our time for leisure, and fun? I’m not sure exactly, but I know we have, and it’s to our own detriment - and that of our kids. Don’t you think it’s time we took back our leisure time? I do.

We need to reclaim fun in our families. And I don’t mean Susie’s cheerleading competition or Joey’s soccer practice. I mean fun, together, as a family. Laughter, goofy jokes, silly games and rambunctiousness that you share as a family. There are many ways you can have fun… playing in the yard, playing a board game, riding bikes, going to a local park, going camping, playing miniature golf or real golf for that matter. It’s simply about spending time together interacting with one another.

There are many reasons to schedule fun time as a family, here are just a few:

It Creates Memories

I bet if you remember back to your own childhood, some of your most vivid memories are of times you spent with your family having fun. I know that’s true for me. I am the oldest of three kids, with two younger brothers (talk about date night torment!), but I remember growing up and having lots of fun together riding bikes, playing “Kiss” (the rock band…makeup and all) on the picnic table, building club houses in the woods and riding go carts. Well, I only did the last one once. My brothers had gotten a new go cart and I begged and begged my dad to let me drive it, finally, he relented and showed me how to steer, brake and use the gas. I couldn’t wait to take off around the house. You see, my objective was to ride it around the house once and then back to my dad in front of the garage. It was a simple enough objective with a pretty clear path and no major obstacles in the way; with the minor exception of one large pine tree about 8 feet in diameter in the center of our side yard, on the opposite side of the house. But, really that shouldn’t be a problem because there’s at least 500 feet of clear yard on either side of it to go around it. I’m sure I don’t have to tell the rest of the story, and if you’re ever at our family Christmas gathering you can hear it yourself - my dad LOVES to recount this one. Of course, I hit the ONLY tree in the entire yard going full blast on the go cart. It took my dad weeks to fix it. Nope, I never rode the go cart again. I’m still not actually too fond of them.

Here’s the thing though, it’s a lasting memory that now we share laughter over and remember as good times together as a family. We have lots of these types of stories to tell and you should too.

It Lets Your Kids See You in a Different Light

It’s funny, but it never ceases to amaze me when my kids react in shock if their dad or I break out into a hip song, funky dance or tell a funny joke. What do they think we are? Old codgers who can’t have any fun? Straight and narrow rule makers who can’t crack a smile? Funny, but, yes, sometimes our kids can see us that way. Why? Because we are. We get so caught up in the “doing” of life - bills, work, homework, bedtimes, chores - that we inadvertently become the eternal enforcers of rules and forget to just be human and have fun. I’m certainly guilty as charged, too.

It’s extremely important that your kids see you in a different light sometimes. It makes it easier for them to relate to you and to trust you. It’s hard to talk to someone who is always on a completely different level than you are. Think about it. Have you ever had a manager or boss that it was difficult to talk to, aside from business conversation? Someone that was on such a different level than you that you found it very hard to relate? I know I have - and, that isn’t the person that I would choose to go to if I were struggling and needed some advice. I’d seek out someone that I could relate to. We want our kids to find that they can relate to us - that they can come to us and we’ll understand. This type of relationship with your kids doesn’t happen just because you say it should. It happens because you invest time in showing them that you are more than just the rule maker. Go ahead. Have some fun.

It’s Fun!!!

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Respect and Honor Required

by Pam Parish

We live in a society that doesn’t value honor or respect. As parents, this one is hard work and we don’t have a choice in it - we must teach our children the values of respect and honor. We are all born with the “ME” syndrome, obsessively looking out for me first, what’s best for me, how do I satisfy me, on and on. It’s not until we are taught the value of putting others before ourselves and considering their needs first that we begin to understand the importance of these characteristics in our lives.

It’s extremely important that we teach our children these values, because without them they will become selfish, uncaring children and adults. We want others to see the best in our children, to see those characteristics about them that we know are so valuable and loving. However, if they can’t show respect and honor, they’ll be labeled as selfish, bullheaded and thoughtless of others. For most people, they will not be able to look past this selfishness. And, clearly, this is not how we want our children to be labeled.

One simple rule we have in our home is that our children are not allowed to address adults by their first names. They have been taught to call adults Mr. & Ms. (last name or first name), or by their family/familiar name (i.e. Pastor, Aunt, Uncle, Papaw, Mamaw, etc.). It’s a simple rule that has a profound impact not only on the way our girls show respect to their elders, but also in the respect they receive in return. You’d be amazed at how many people think extremely highly of our daughters, simply because they addressed them by Mr. or Ms. - from that point on most adults usually see our girls as respectful, well-behaved young ladies. You see, we’re teaching our girls that when you give respect and honor, you usually get it in return. Here are a few sub-rules as it relates to respect and honor:

  • Treat every person with kindness and respect no matter their age, social status or race
  • Always show respect to those who are older and wiser than you are
  • Honor those in authority around you
  • Obedience is a show of respect and honor, be quick to obey

Parents, this applies to you too.

As easy as it is to say that we need to teach our children to be respectful and honoring toward us and other adults, we have to remember that we bear a large responsibility also. Namely, being respectful and honoring to our children and to others in front of our children. Remember, your children will not always follow the motto, “Do as I say and not as I do” - they watch your life and emulate it.

If you are not respecting and honoring them, it will be hard for them to honor and respect you. Oh, they may force themselves to “comply” with your “rules” but their heart attitude will be one of bitterness and resentment toward you as they do it. The goal for you as a parent is to be respectful and honoring toward your children so that even when they disagree with what you’re asking of them, they respect you because they know that you’re considering their point of view and that you are making the decision according to what you feel is their best interests. We’ll discuss how to get to this place of respect for your children in another post.

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The Word is Our Bond

by Pam Parish

This is a bit of a twist on the saying, “Let your word be your bond” - we believe that The Word is our bond as a family. It’s the Word of God that binds us together, keeps us whole and complete. We have a love for God’s Word, we study it, we pray it, we journal about it, we read it at the dinner table. Every single problem that we might encounter with our kids is already addressed in the Word…. selfishness, deception, disrespect, obeying authority, putting others first, loving unconditionally, sexual desire, protecting yourself from sinful influences…. yep, it’s all there.

In parenting, the Word truly is your sword and your shield, we couldn’t do it without it. Don’t be afraid to read the Bible out loud, together as a family…. then talk about what you’ve read. You’ll be surprised at the topics that come up and the struggles that you reveal and have a chance to discuss. Nothing digs deeper into our souls than the Word of God - help your children learn it, live it and love it. That’s your primary job.

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Talk, Talk, Talk!

by Pam Parish

Alright, I have girls, so I know this is probably a bigger issue for us than if we had boys. However, no matter the gender of your children, you must realize the importance of talking with them - about stuff that interests them. Do I really care what Zac Efron’s (that’s Troy Bolton in High School Musical for those uneducated of you out there) favorite fast food is? No, really, I don’t - but I know it’s Quiznos (at the time of this writing [cause we all know it'll change] he’s Heather’s dreamboat). You have to know what interests your kids and get interested too, if you don’t they’ll find friends who are and you can’t always guarantee that it would be friends you’d approve of.

But it’s not just the small stuff that you have to talk with them about. It’s the big stuff too. Our girls talk to us about sex, boys, friendships, fights, struggles in their relationship with God, when they hurt, when their confused and when they just simply want to rattle on-and-on-and-on-and-on about their day. No subject is off limits in our house (and believe me sometimes they shock us), if they’re coming to us for advice, we’re all ears and we want to help them because we want them to know the truth from a place of wisdom and love. Moms of daughters, when’s the last time you curled up in bed beside your daughter and just said, “Wazz up?” - try it sometimes, they love it. (by the way, Heather made me change ‘What’s up’ to ‘Wazz up’ because she said I wasn’t being cool…hmmm…need to work oh my ‘cool factor’, I guess.)

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Model What You Teach

by Pam Parish

This one is very easy to say but much harder to do. As parents, if we’re teaching our children the values of being honest, respecting others, obeying authority, having a relationship with God, etc.. we must be willing to model those same values in our own lives. The motto, “Do as I say but not as I do.” may sound reasonable enough, but it simply isn’t reality. Your children learn from watching you and, whether you realize it or not, they are watching your actions far more consistently than they’re listening to your words.

Here’s a type of conversation that happens in hundreds of families on a consistent basis:

The family is sitting at the dinner table or in the car on the way out to eat….
Husband to Wife, “How was your day today?”
Wife to Husband, “Oh, it was fine. How was yours?”
Husband to Wife, “It was good. I tell you what though, my boss Don is an idiot. Just today, I was minding my own business, trying to finish an urgent report that he needed, when Sue from Customer Service stopped by to ask me how to handle a difficult client situation, I was trying to help her solve her situation when Don came by and told me that I needed to refocus on the report because he needed it ASAP - I got so mad. I mean, what nerve, embarrassing me in front of a colleague. I knew he wanted the report urgently and I would have gotten back to it, but Sue needed my help too. Oh, I finished his report alright and when I took it to him, I slammed it on his desk, he needed to know that he was in the wrong for calling me out like that.”
Wife to Husband, “I’m sorry honey, tomorrow will surely be better. Don knows you’re a good employee, he couldn’t run the business without you. Oh, by the way, that reminds me, you should ask Jimmy about the note we received from the school today.”
Father to Son, “Jimmy, what note is your mother talking about?”
Son to Father, “It’s a note from my teacher, Dad, got in trouble at school today.”
Father to Son, “Oh yeah? Go on…”
Son to Father, “Well, we were in the middle of our class work assignment and Bobby needed help on a question that he was stuck on. I was finished, so I was trying to help him understand the teacher’s instructions. Well, just then Mr. Mason looked up and said, ‘Jimmy, you were instructed to keep quiet during the class work time, if you’re able to have a conversation then you must be finished with your work bring it to the front to turn in and return to your seat quietly.’ I got mad and stomped to the front of the class and turned in my paper on his desk and said, ‘There, I was done anyway.’ He talked to me after class and told me that my behavior was disrespectful and that I should have been obeying the rules anyway. I told him that I was only trying to help a classmate and he said that it didn’t matter, it was still breaking rules and that he was going to have to send a note home to you.”
Father to Son, “Son, how many times have we told you that you are in school to learn and that you have to respect your teachers and honor their authority? I’m really getting tired of having to talk to you about these issues. Look, I don’t want to ruin dinner, so your mom and I will discuss your consequences later this evening. Tomorrow, I need you to apologize to Mr. Mason. Got it?”
Son to Father, “Yes, Dad, I’ve got it.”
Husband to Wife, “How many times are we going to have to deal with this with him? I just don’t get it, we’ve taught him better.”

Do you see what happened here? Yeah, mom and dad have taught Jimmy the ‘rules’ of being respectful and obeying authority, but the example that Dad is setting is exactly the opposite. And, take my word for it, your children know when you’re being hypocritical and it creates a distrust in you as a person. Our kids have to be able to trust and respect us as individuals who they can look up to as examples. When they can do that, our words have much more weight and authority in their lives.

Be prepared, you will be tested in front of your children, and they will notice if you fail to follow your own rules. You can do it - practice what you preach!!! Your children will have a much greater respect for your rules when they see that not only do you, as an adult, still have to follow them, but that you actually do! As an added benefit, they’ll respect you more too!

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Keep Your Word (Do What You Say, When You Say It)

by Pam Parish

I think we can all relate to this one. We’ve all been in the mall or grocery store and seen worn out parents saying things like, ”If you do that one more time, I’m gonna….”, “We’ll leave if you keep this up…..”, “You’re about to get it big trouble….” and then not following through with their words and, instead, continuing to issue the same warning multiple times. This only teaches our kids that we don’t do what we say and that they can ignore us without consequence. Not only that, but it then drives us to a place of complete and utter frustration where, finally, we get so fed up with the behavior that we lash out in anger and frustration causing even more damage to our kids. They see us as unpredictable time-bombs and are completely at a loss on how to gauge their behavior around us.

When we teach our kids to ignore our instructions, we fail as parents in giving them a measuring stick by which to moderate their behavior. This rule is a simple one for us, if we say we’re going to do it - we do it. Both of our girls know that if we say, “If you _______ then _______” we will absolutely follow through on our words. This teaches them to obey instantly without question and it also gives them a safe measure for how far they can go. By being predictable, we give them the ability to make fully informed choices on their own behavior. Because they know that we will follow through, they also know that if they choose to continue with the behavior, they are choosing the consequence too. This puts the proverbial “monkey” on their back and not on ours to decide when we’re just fed up. It also helps keep us out of the place of anger because we don’t allow ourselves to get pushed that far.

WARNING: This rule is tough on parents too. Steve and I have to be constantly aware of our words, because we know that if we say it, we have to do it. We have made mistakes and, out of frustration or anger, issued a warning with a consequence that really was just too stiff for the “crime” but had to stick with it because we’d said it (I say “we” but actually, I’m more likely to do this than Steve, he’s much more laid back). Occasionally, when we do this, we’ll tell the girls that we’ve decided that there is still a consequence for their behavior, but that we realize the one we stated is a bit too tough. You just don’t want to make backtracking on your words a habit - so you must weigh your words before you say them - being careful not to mouth off in haste. Yes, mom & dad, we still mouth off too.

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Value vs. Behavior and Behavior = Consequences

by Pam Parish

This is a biggie for us. As parents, it is extremely important that we learn to separate the value of our children as individuals from their behavior. We view our daughters as important, valuable individuals with great gifts that they have been blessed with in their lives so that they can make a difference for others - we try to always see them as God sees them. This view is especially important when it comes to behavior. I’ve said before that they’re not perfect and, believe me, they do misbehave and break the rules. We just make sure that we separate the bad behavior from the good child - we even make it a point to say, “You’re not a bad girl, but your actions/behavior in this instance was bad, and that is what we’re going to talk about.” Intentionally separating the behavior from the person helps them maintain their dignity and value as a person and focus solely on the choices that they made that got them into their current situation.

When it comes to bad behavior, we have what many would consider a very low tolerance level. While we base everything on showing mercy and grace first, we’re also very quick to address behavior issues. If it’s a first time offense we will talk with them about the behavior and give them clear direction on how we would have expected them to behave/respond, then we let them know that the next time this behavior occurs, there will be consequences. After that, we follow the rule that ‘behavior = consequences.’

In our house consequences range anywhere from spankings (our girls are getting too old for this one, but it’s quite effective on younger children) to grounding. We’ve even been known to completely empty one of our daughter’s rooms (seriously, down to white sheets and blankets on the bed) to address behavior. (Eventually the items were given back, but it took a while.) The reason this is so important is that it provides our girls with consistent accountability. As we’ve already discussed, our girls know that we love them unconditionally and we know they are going to screw up. They also know that it’s our jobs as parents to discipline them fairly and appropriately so that we can help them overcome the behaviors that would hinder them later in life. No, they don’t like consequences, but they understand it. So, in that respect, we’re all on the same page.

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