Archive for the 'Parenting General' Category

Technology is Not a Parenting Replacement

By: Suzanne Clark

There are many things about parenting that I feel passionately about….spanking, threatening, bribing, over-indulging, complacency….I could go on…..but, the one thing that seems to really send me up the tree is dvd players in the backseat of any car, handheld video games at the dinner table in a restaurant, and, really, any other form of technology that is overused to prevent parents from parenting.

My husband is a technology nut. It’s what he does. His career success is defined by the many facets of information he has stored in his brain about technology. He is an electrical engineer, and is passionate about how things work and how he can make them work better and faster. Our home is wired for everything. There are boxes and boxes and boxes of what I will call ‘wires and things’ in the garage. The closet under our staircase (the one most people use to store Christmas decorations) has been deemed Mission Control for our home. There is an entire wall dedicated to ‘plugs and wires’ that control the home automation system my husband designed and installed into our house as it was being built. Just to give you an example…..we have a button near the front door that we call ‘the goodnight button.’ At the end of the evening, as we drag ourselves upstairs to bed, we push this button and every light in the house turns-off, the alarm arms, and the lamp at the top of the stairs turns on. I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, wow, that’s cool, but, is it really necessary?? No, of course not. But, this is what my husband does as his hobby. I could give you 50 more examples – things like – when the phone rings at our house there is an announcement throughout the entire house (because we have ceiling speakers throughout the entire house, even in the garage) that announces (in my husband’s voice) who is calling and who they are calling for. “Suzanne, you have a call from……Pam.” Again, cool, but, not necessary for the survival of mankind.

I say all this to set the stage for what I am about to tell you. We DO NOT have a dvd player in our minivan. On the sad, sad day we had to buy our van (We were not happy about being minivan owners), we were offered the dvd player option. My poor, poor husband had to sit silently as I explained to the poor, poor salesman that, No, we didn’t want the dvd player, and No we didn’t need the navigation system (I sort of regret that one), and, NO we would not consider adding it at a later time.

My rationale is this:

My time with my children is precious. I enjoy their company. I enjoy the silly things they have to say. I like to know what they see when they look out the window and spot something new for the first time. I want them to know what boredom is so that they learn creativity and patience. I don’t want to have to put Dora the Explorer on in the car because they need to be entertained on the way to the grocery store. I’d rather listen to them whine, bicker and cry, or, listen to them laugh, play games together and know I genuinely enjoy all of our moments together.

In doing this, we have another opportunity to add to the solid foundation we want to provide for our children. It may seem silly to put so much emphasis on one, silly, little dvd player. But, when you think about it, and think about all the time you spend in the car with your kids, there are a lot of opportunities missed while the kids are watching a dvd, and you’re talking on your cell phone.

in Foundations in Parenting and Parenting General. 0 Comments

Cherish Every Moment

By: Suzanne Clark

This phrase is so cliché, but when it comes to my children, I mean it with every ounce of my being. It’s easy to say this, and mean it, as I sit here alone on the couch typing in a peaceful house while my husband and three children are sleeping upstairs. Tomorrow is my son’s third birthday. Tonight we had dinner, made cupcakes for his class, and went swimming. It was a calm, predictable evening – one that is easy to cherish and enjoy.

There are times, however, that life isn’t so blissful. There are times that I wonder how I am functioning and how I’ve managed to stay committed to my ‘no-spanking’ rule….believe me, I question my decision frequently. But, after lots and lots of practice, I’ve learned that even in the midst of simultaneous meltdowns by my 3 and 1 year old, I can take a step back and smile. In the heat of chaos when nothing is going right, and children are grumpy and impossible to please, I can still smile. How is this possible??

I’ve taken a lot of time to talk to myself about why I chose to parent and what I expected from parenting. After accepting that there are going to be many challenging times, I reconciled that I would still rather have the experience of being their mother even if they have just thrown themselves on the floor at Target and are screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs. I can cherish these moments just as wholeheartedly as I can the serene, predictable times like earlier tonight on the eve of my son’s 3rd birthday.

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Family Trumps it All

By: Suzanne Clark

I recently participated in a job interview and was asked how my family obligations would interfere with the expectation of my employer that I work two to three nights a week.  I could easily answer this question because for years now I have worked some evenings, and, still managed to incorporate as much family time possible.  Incorporating real family time into an already hectic schedule can be trying, but, to me, is worth every exhausting minute.

On days that I have to work during the day and also work in the evenings, I still make it a point to take my kids to school, pick them up and make them dinner.  Some may be thinking – wow, that’s great – you mean you get a whole hour with them that day?  Yes, you’re right. The drop off/pick-up and dinner probably only totals about an hour, but, it’s a great hour – one that keeps us connected.  Believe me, it would much easier to have my husband do the running around on these 12-hour work day, but parenting isn’t about convenience. It’s about, well, parenting.

Even in the midst of my hectic life as a working (outside the home) mom, my family in the forefront of my mind.  I’m honest about the fact that I work to fill a personal need of my own. I do what I love and love what I do.  That said, I also firmly believe that although my career is important to me, it is nothing compared to the wellbeing of my family.

My family trumps it all – meaning that at any moment work takes a backseat to my family’s needs.  Being proudly and comfortably resigned to this makes family/work decisions very easy.  When there is a conflict between time with my family and time at work, family wins.

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$7 or $70: Which Do You Want?

By: Pam Parish

One of the things that I’ve learned in life is that the lessons that I’ve learned the hard way are the ones that I’ve truly learned. Over and over, I’ve found it to be true that when I’ve made a wrong choice, it ultimately causes me pain. This is the key reason why we become wiser as we get older. It’s not because are brains suddenly get bigger, or because there’s a Wisdom 101 class that anyone over the age of 30 gets to take. It’s simply because we’ve learned from our mistakes, felt the pain of our choices and made the decision to make better decisions - because the bad ones hurt.

Last night, I had the opportunity to experience wisdom in the making; in the life of my daughter, Heather. It stinks as a parent to watch your child, whom you know is a great kid, screw up badly and have to suffer the consequences. Here’s the story:

Heather found $7 on the lunch room floor at school. Even though she knew that she should turn it in, her desire for the money ruled out and she made the choice to keep it; simply because she wanted it (we’ve all been there, huh?). A few days later, I found the money and she told me that one of her friends had asked her to hold it for her and she forgot to give it back. (uh oh, anyone sense a downhill slide on that one? - let the whistle of the wind begin) I asked her to return the money the next day at school. Prior to leaving for school, I made sure she had the money to return. That night, I noticed $5 on the floor beside her backpack; I asked her where it came from. She said that she had given her friend the money, but that she gave her $5 of it back. (we’re pickin’ up speed here folks - hold on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride) This time, I took the money and told her that I would give it to her teacher to be distributed to the student. Yesterday, after school, we asked her what happened with the money. She told us that the teacher had given it to her friend. (At this point, we’re smelling really rotten fish in the water) To which, we asked, “If we ask your teacher, what will he say is the story behind the money?” She gave a few answers like, “I gave my friend the money, but asked to see the $5 and forgot to give it back.” or “I gave my friend the money, but wanted $5 so I asked if I could have it.”

Ultimately, the weight of it all was too big a burden for her to bear and she said, “Mom, I need to tell you the full truth.” She then told us where the money had originated from, and that, fearing more trouble when I began to question, she coaxed her friend into going along with her story to the teacher. After much discussion on stealing, lying and being a bad influence to your friends, here’s the lesson that we taught:

We asked her to come downstairs. When she arrived and sat down, we had two piles of money - $7 and $75. We asked her which pile of money she wanted, of course, she said the $75. I told her that, unfortunately, she’d already made her choice - the $7. The $75 had been a planned blessing - spending money that her dad and I had sat aside for her to take to Kentucky when she left to spend two weeks with family, this Friday. However, now, because she has placed such a high value on $7 - to the point of stealing, lying and dragging her friends, teachers and parents along for the ride - she would only get the $7 that she chose with her actions. I explained that God has many, many blessings in store for our lives and sometimes, tomorrow may hold a huge blessing for us, but our actions today could blow it. Everyday, we’re faced with choices to do good or do evil - when we make those choices we’re also choosing the consequences which accompany them. I told her that from now on, when she’s faced with a decision of good or evil / truth or deception - I want her to ask herself one question, “Do I want the $7 choice or the $70 choice? - Do I want the immediate desire of my flesh, or the ultimate blessing of God?” I hope it’s a lesson she’ll remember for life. It sure is going to suck watching her sister spend $75 over the next two weeks when she only has $7. Thus is the lessons we learn the hard way.

What Steve and I realized is that we had a choice to make, too. We could either get angry (which we were) and react, or we could step back and take the opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance; allowing the pain of personal choice to be the ultimate teacher. I’m thankful that, at least in this instance, we chose wisely; goodness knows we’ve made the unwise choice often. Heather was genuinely sorry that she had let us down but, more importantly she realized that she had let herself down, and ultimately cost herself a blessing because of a wrong choice. I don’t think it’s a lesson she’ll forget anytime soon.

What about you, do you want the $7 or $70? We make the choice in big and small ways, everyday.

in Discipline Adventures and Parenting General. 0 Comments

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

By Pam Parish

Boy, I have to admit that this one is much easier to say than it is to do. However, I know that it’s invaluable to my relationships with my daughters that I understand where they’re coming from and what’s important to them. It’s so easy as a parent to forget what’s going on inside their hearts and heads and focus only on what I think the issue is from my angle. The danger in doing that is that I limit my understanding and, in turn, my response, correction or advice becomes inadequate.

We have to recognize that as our children get older, their perspectives change based on what’s going on in their bodies and in their peer groups. While it may have been easy for you to say, “No, I’d rather you not do xyz…” and your child respond with understanding and obedience, that may suddenly change and now your child throws a rather big fit over the issue. At this moment, it’s easy to accuse the child of disrespect or disobedience (and, depending on their tone, these may need to be addressed) - but, we need to also look deeper and see that maybe something deeper is behind their response. It could be as simple as, “everyone is going” and while we may want to just brush that off, we need to be sensitive enough as parents to take a deeper look. Maybe the real root is that your child is feeling like an outsider because all of their friends are doing certain things that they aren’t - this is an issue of self-esteem that, as a parent, you can use as an opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance. And, maybe, after considering the deeper issue, you’ll discover that what you thought was important to begin with needs a little modification on your end - hey, it’s ok - we all do it.

These types of things have happened many times in our household where we had to look deeper at values that our children were developing such as freedom, independence and peer relationships. We’ve found it to be extremely important that we understand these developing values in our children so that we can look at the things through their lenses. This not only gives you understanding as a parent, but it brings the trust level way up with your child when they know that you’re seeking to understand them and help them above all else.

I realize that this can be difficult, and believe me, I’m not always successful at it myself. I do know, however, that I’d rather take some time to understand my kids than to have them groaning under their breath or behind my back that they just “can’t wait to get outta here” when their older.

This is just another area where looking at myself and using wisdom not only makes me a smarter parent, but helps my kids understand that at least I’m trying. I gotta get a little street cred for that, huh?

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5 Parenting Myths You Can Kiss Goodbye

by Pam Parish

I ran across a great article over at Parenting.com about 5 Parenting Myths that really deserve a second look. Honestly, when I first saw a few of them - I totally agreed with some of the myths - until, I dug a little deeper. Let’s take a look…

Myth #1 - You know your child better than anyone.

My first thought was, “Well, of course this is true, isn’t it?” I mean, come on, no one really knows my kids but me. I know their strengths, their weaknesses, what they like to eat, what they don’t, how neat they are, what hobbies they enjoy…..I can totally go on….. What I discovered as I accepted the invitation to look at the “Bigger Picture” was that, although that myth ’sounds’ good - it’s far from the truth. And, it’s a myth that every parent needs to destroy. We really can’t afford to assume that everything that there is to know about our kids is that easily accessible. We have to take the time to consider that our kids may be different in social situations such as school, church and play dates than we’re accustomed to seeing them at home with the family. And, not only do we have to shift our thinking to acknowledge that we may not know what we don’t know, but we also have to realize that there may be others - teachers, friends, other parents - who have knowledge of our kids from other situations that we just simply don’t have. For our children’s sakes, we have to be willing to invest the time and effort into researching, listening, learning and trusting the insights of others.

Myth #2 - You can shape your child’s personality.

Ok, I totally realize that this is a huge issue for many parents. Lots and lots of people buy into this myth and believe that if they work hard enough, are consistent enough and create the right “opportunities” they can help their shy child become as cute and outgoing as the neighbor down the street, or the talkative child be as quiet and proper as the little girl at church. While, as parents, our styles of parenting, our family influences and our instructive discipline are all valuable in helping to shape our children. We can’t forget that they have a unique personality that will be with them for life - it’s in our best interest, and theirs, if we help them shape themselves according to the strengths of their God-given personality. It’ll be more fun and fruitful for all of us.

Myth #3 - The more time you spend with your child, the better adjusted they will be.

I can’t tell you how many parents that I know that are on one end of the spectrum or the other on this myth. Either they believe whole heartedly that by staying home and spending every spare minute of their time with their children that they’re giving them the best possible chance at life - or, that because they have to go off to work and leave their kids at a daycare they’re doing irrevocable harm to them. It really isn’t that simple and we have to realize that, as the Parenting.com article puts it, “kids aren’t fragile flowers.” The resiliency of children is simply amazing and as long as you are entrusting your kids to nurturing, loving caregivers that provide love, safety and an opportunity for them to grow, your kids will turn out fine. As with the previous myth, you might actually be surprised at how they flourish and the strengths you discover.

Myth #4 - You are your child’s best role model.

This myth puts a lot of pressure on so many parents who believe that if they aren’t the super-go-getter at work, the perfect ‘martha stewart’ cook, the church’s best volunteer or the best sports dad in the neighborhood that they’re children won’t grow up successful. It’s great to show your kids how to be responsible in life by providing real-life examples from your own personal experience, but the danger with this myth is that it pushes many parents into over-performance which causes them to be tired and not have any of themselves left to give to quality family experiences that create lasting memories. The bottom line on this myth is that your kids are much more likely to remember the afternoon you spent with them in the park teaching them how to fly a kite than they are the multitude of toys and electronics you can buy because of your 80-hour work weeks. Take a breath, be yourself. Your kids will appreciate it.

Myth #5 - You owe your child the best things.

Ok - now we’re treading on dangerous ground - careful, there are mine-fields all around. . Maybe we should start a new group “Over Indulgent Parents Anonymous (OIPA)”, “Hi, I’m Pam, and I’m an Over Indulgent Parent.” All joking aside, this is an uber-serious problem in America. A problem which I find myself guilty as an offender. We just can’t help ourselves, the toy aisle is so tempting, oh and that new Elmo - have you seen him?, the new video iPod is a must have, and the Wii - WEEEEEEE need one! Seriously, we all do it. But, what we have to realize is that it isn’t teaching our kids how to have patience, to want something and work hard to earn it, to accept the fact that we don’t get everything we want in life and just in general to appreciate what they do have as enough (and, yes, for most kids, it’s enough). There was a startling statistic in this article, “66 percent of American parents believe that their kids equate self-worth with what they own” Hopefully, I don’t have to be the one to tell you that this is dangerous. We have to teach our kids that life isn’t easy. I’d much rather my kids learn that lesson while they live under my loving roof than to watch them learn it the hard way as an adult, with possible dire consequence.

I’m thinking about it….are you?

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