by Pam Parish

This is a biggie for us. As parents, it is extremely important that we learn to separate the value of our children as individuals from their behavior. We view our daughters as important, valuable individuals with great gifts that they have been blessed with in their lives so that they can make a difference for others - we try to always see them as God sees them. This view is especially important when it comes to behavior. I’ve said before that they’re not perfect and, believe me, they do misbehave and break the rules. We just make sure that we separate the bad behavior from the good child - we even make it a point to say, “You’re not a bad girl, but your actions/behavior in this instance was bad, and that is what we’re going to talk about.” Intentionally separating the behavior from the person helps them maintain their dignity and value as a person and focus solely on the choices that they made that got them into their current situation.

When it comes to bad behavior, we have what many would consider a very low tolerance level. While we base everything on showing mercy and grace first, we’re also very quick to address behavior issues. If it’s a first time offense we will talk with them about the behavior and give them clear direction on how we would have expected them to behave/respond, then we let them know that the next time this behavior occurs, there will be consequences. After that, we follow the rule that ‘behavior = consequences.’

In our house consequences range anywhere from spankings (our girls are getting too old for this one, but it’s quite effective on younger children) to grounding. We’ve even been known to completely empty one of our daughter’s rooms (seriously, down to white sheets and blankets on the bed) to address behavior. (Eventually the items were given back, but it took a while.) The reason this is so important is that it provides our girls with consistent accountability. As we’ve already discussed, our girls know that we love them unconditionally and we know they are going to screw up. They also know that it’s our jobs as parents to discipline them fairly and appropriately so that we can help them overcome the behaviors that would hinder them later in life. No, they don’t like consequences, but they understand it. So, in that respect, we’re all on the same page.