by Pam Parish
This is a biggie for us. As parents, it is extremely important that we learn to separate the value of our children as individuals from their behavior. We view our daughters as important, valuable individuals with great gifts that they have been blessed with in their lives so that they can make a difference for others - we try to always see them as God sees them. This view is especially important when it comes to behavior. I’ve said before that they’re not perfect and, believe me, they do misbehave and break the rules. We just make sure that we separate the bad behavior from the good child - we even make it a point to say, “You’re not a bad girl, but your actions/behavior in this instance was bad, and that is what we’re going to talk about.” Intentionally separating the behavior from the person helps them maintain their dignity and value as a person and focus solely on the choices that they made that got them into their current situation.
When it comes to bad behavior, we have what many would consider a very low tolerance level. While we base everything on showing mercy and grace first, we’re also very quick to address behavior issues. If it’s a first time offense we will talk with them about the behavior and give them clear direction on how we would have expected them to behave/respond, then we let them know that the next time this behavior occurs, there will be consequences. After that, we follow the rule that ‘behavior = consequences.’
In our house consequences range anywhere from spankings (our girls are getting too old for this one, but it’s quite effective on younger children) to grounding. We’ve even been known to completely empty one of our daughter’s rooms (seriously, down to white sheets and blankets on the bed) to address behavior. (Eventually the items were given back, but it took a while.) The reason this is so important is that it provides our girls with consistent accountability. As we’ve already discussed, our girls know that we love them unconditionally and we know they are going to screw up. They also know that it’s our jobs as parents to discipline them fairly and appropriately so that we can help them overcome the behaviors that would hinder them later in life. No, they don’t like consequences, but they understand it. So, in that respect, we’re all on the same page.
by Pam Parish
This is a major paradigm shift for many parents, but it’s critical. It doesn’t matter what age your children are, you have to parent from the perspective of the adult that they will one day become. Our daughters are pre-teens and we have to adjust our parenting style to recognize their growing independence and need for new freedoms, but it’s not the pre-teen that we’re parenting - it’s the women that they’re growing into. We tell our girls all the time, “We aren’t parenting the 12/11 year-old that you are right now, we’re parenting the adult that you are one day going to be.” When you see it this way, it changes how you view the importance of what you’re doing today.
By viewing our parenting as molding adults, we don’t tolerate or accept a lot of the behaviors that are often associated with “that’s just how pre-teens… teens… etc..” are. If our daughters have a problem with lying, we address it quickly, because I’d rather deal with it now than ignore it or accept it and let them grow up with a problem that hinders their lives as adults. If they have an issue with respect, we ask them, “When you’re an adult, do you think your husband or boss will accept disrespect? or do you think it might cost you your marriage or your job?” I would much rather challenge them now, and even make them mad at me from time to time, then to have them mad at me later, as adults, when they’re lives are messed up and filled with disappointment and they wonder why never prepared them for it.
You see, it’s critically important that we think about the adults that they will one day become because I don’t want to wake up one day and the opportunities to help them craft their futures are behind us. They have tremendous potential - it’s our job to help them understand that and be the best individuals that they can be.
by Pam Parish
In order for any parenting “rule” to work consistently, your children must know first and foremost that you love them unconditionally. We tell our children that we love them multiple times everyday. However, it’s more than just the simple words “I love you” - we also have to understand who they are as individuals and what their love languages are so that we can also show them how much we love them in the way they receive love. With our girls we understand that Kristan’s love language is words of affirmation and Heather’s is touch - so we have to show our love for each of them in different ways. For Kristan, it’s telling her she did a good job on something (you should see her face glow) and for Heather it’s lots of hugs and kisses, she loves being close to us. We are intentional in loving our daughters and they know that no matter what they do we will never stop loving them - ever.
We’ve seen lots of parents use love as a tool in their parenting, giving it or taking it away based on the child’s behavior. Our children need a foundation of unchanging love to properly grow into the men and women God designed them to be. God doesn’t remove his love from us when we misbehave (and we all do) - so why would we do that to our children?
Love is definitely first in everything we do. And, it’s also second. We’ll talk more about discipline in some of our other sections, but - as it relates to love - we have a rule. After discipline, love is always next. It is extremely important that our daughters know that we love them, even after they’ve just screwed up. We always go back and reaffirm our love for them and the value we find in them after we’ve disciplined them. Many times we begin our correction with statements of love and end with statements of love.
Yes, it’s that important.
