Tag Archive for 'respect'

Understanding Your Child’s Perspective

By Pam Parish

Boy, I have to admit that this one is much easier to say than it is to do. However, I know that it’s invaluable to my relationships with my daughters that I understand where they’re coming from and what’s important to them. It’s so easy as a parent to forget what’s going on inside their hearts and heads and focus only on what I think the issue is from my angle. The danger in doing that is that I limit my understanding and, in turn, my response, correction or advice becomes inadequate.

We have to recognize that as our children get older, their perspectives change based on what’s going on in their bodies and in their peer groups. While it may have been easy for you to say, “No, I’d rather you not do xyz…” and your child respond with understanding and obedience, that may suddenly change and now your child throws a rather big fit over the issue. At this moment, it’s easy to accuse the child of disrespect or disobedience (and, depending on their tone, these may need to be addressed) - but, we need to also look deeper and see that maybe something deeper is behind their response. It could be as simple as, “everyone is going” and while we may want to just brush that off, we need to be sensitive enough as parents to take a deeper look. Maybe the real root is that your child is feeling like an outsider because all of their friends are doing certain things that they aren’t - this is an issue of self-esteem that, as a parent, you can use as an opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance. And, maybe, after considering the deeper issue, you’ll discover that what you thought was important to begin with needs a little modification on your end - hey, it’s ok - we all do it.

These types of things have happened many times in our household where we had to look deeper at values that our children were developing such as freedom, independence and peer relationships. We’ve found it to be extremely important that we understand these developing values in our children so that we can look at the things through their lenses. This not only gives you understanding as a parent, but it brings the trust level way up with your child when they know that you’re seeking to understand them and help them above all else.

I realize that this can be difficult, and believe me, I’m not always successful at it myself. I do know, however, that I’d rather take some time to understand my kids than to have them groaning under their breath or behind my back that they just “can’t wait to get outta here” when their older.

This is just another area where looking at myself and using wisdom not only makes me a smarter parent, but helps my kids understand that at least I’m trying. I gotta get a little street cred for that, huh?

in Parenting General. 0 Comments

Respect and Honor Required

by Pam Parish

We live in a society that doesn’t value honor or respect. As parents, this one is hard work and we don’t have a choice in it - we must teach our children the values of respect and honor. We are all born with the “ME” syndrome, obsessively looking out for me first, what’s best for me, how do I satisfy me, on and on. It’s not until we are taught the value of putting others before ourselves and considering their needs first that we begin to understand the importance of these characteristics in our lives.

It’s extremely important that we teach our children these values, because without them they will become selfish, uncaring children and adults. We want others to see the best in our children, to see those characteristics about them that we know are so valuable and loving. However, if they can’t show respect and honor, they’ll be labeled as selfish, bullheaded and thoughtless of others. For most people, they will not be able to look past this selfishness. And, clearly, this is not how we want our children to be labeled.

One simple rule we have in our home is that our children are not allowed to address adults by their first names. They have been taught to call adults Mr. & Ms. (last name or first name), or by their family/familiar name (i.e. Pastor, Aunt, Uncle, Papaw, Mamaw, etc.). It’s a simple rule that has a profound impact not only on the way our girls show respect to their elders, but also in the respect they receive in return. You’d be amazed at how many people think extremely highly of our daughters, simply because they addressed them by Mr. or Ms. - from that point on most adults usually see our girls as respectful, well-behaved young ladies. You see, we’re teaching our girls that when you give respect and honor, you usually get it in return. Here are a few sub-rules as it relates to respect and honor:

  • Treat every person with kindness and respect no matter their age, social status or race
  • Always show respect to those who are older and wiser than you are
  • Honor those in authority around you
  • Obedience is a show of respect and honor, be quick to obey

Parents, this applies to you too.

As easy as it is to say that we need to teach our children to be respectful and honoring toward us and other adults, we have to remember that we bear a large responsibility also. Namely, being respectful and honoring to our children and to others in front of our children. Remember, your children will not always follow the motto, “Do as I say and not as I do” - they watch your life and emulate it.

If you are not respecting and honoring them, it will be hard for them to honor and respect you. Oh, they may force themselves to “comply” with your “rules” but their heart attitude will be one of bitterness and resentment toward you as they do it. The goal for you as a parent is to be respectful and honoring toward your children so that even when they disagree with what you’re asking of them, they respect you because they know that you’re considering their point of view and that you are making the decision according to what you feel is their best interests. We’ll discuss how to get to this place of respect for your children in another post.

in Foundations in Parenting. 0 Comments

Model What You Teach

by Pam Parish

This one is very easy to say but much harder to do. As parents, if we’re teaching our children the values of being honest, respecting others, obeying authority, having a relationship with God, etc.. we must be willing to model those same values in our own lives. The motto, “Do as I say but not as I do.” may sound reasonable enough, but it simply isn’t reality. Your children learn from watching you and, whether you realize it or not, they are watching your actions far more consistently than they’re listening to your words.

Here’s a type of conversation that happens in hundreds of families on a consistent basis:

The family is sitting at the dinner table or in the car on the way out to eat….
Husband to Wife, “How was your day today?”
Wife to Husband, “Oh, it was fine. How was yours?”
Husband to Wife, “It was good. I tell you what though, my boss Don is an idiot. Just today, I was minding my own business, trying to finish an urgent report that he needed, when Sue from Customer Service stopped by to ask me how to handle a difficult client situation, I was trying to help her solve her situation when Don came by and told me that I needed to refocus on the report because he needed it ASAP - I got so mad. I mean, what nerve, embarrassing me in front of a colleague. I knew he wanted the report urgently and I would have gotten back to it, but Sue needed my help too. Oh, I finished his report alright and when I took it to him, I slammed it on his desk, he needed to know that he was in the wrong for calling me out like that.”
Wife to Husband, “I’m sorry honey, tomorrow will surely be better. Don knows you’re a good employee, he couldn’t run the business without you. Oh, by the way, that reminds me, you should ask Jimmy about the note we received from the school today.”
Father to Son, “Jimmy, what note is your mother talking about?”
Son to Father, “It’s a note from my teacher, Dad, got in trouble at school today.”
Father to Son, “Oh yeah? Go on…”
Son to Father, “Well, we were in the middle of our class work assignment and Bobby needed help on a question that he was stuck on. I was finished, so I was trying to help him understand the teacher’s instructions. Well, just then Mr. Mason looked up and said, ‘Jimmy, you were instructed to keep quiet during the class work time, if you’re able to have a conversation then you must be finished with your work bring it to the front to turn in and return to your seat quietly.’ I got mad and stomped to the front of the class and turned in my paper on his desk and said, ‘There, I was done anyway.’ He talked to me after class and told me that my behavior was disrespectful and that I should have been obeying the rules anyway. I told him that I was only trying to help a classmate and he said that it didn’t matter, it was still breaking rules and that he was going to have to send a note home to you.”
Father to Son, “Son, how many times have we told you that you are in school to learn and that you have to respect your teachers and honor their authority? I’m really getting tired of having to talk to you about these issues. Look, I don’t want to ruin dinner, so your mom and I will discuss your consequences later this evening. Tomorrow, I need you to apologize to Mr. Mason. Got it?”
Son to Father, “Yes, Dad, I’ve got it.”
Husband to Wife, “How many times are we going to have to deal with this with him? I just don’t get it, we’ve taught him better.”

Do you see what happened here? Yeah, mom and dad have taught Jimmy the ‘rules’ of being respectful and obeying authority, but the example that Dad is setting is exactly the opposite. And, take my word for it, your children know when you’re being hypocritical and it creates a distrust in you as a person. Our kids have to be able to trust and respect us as individuals who they can look up to as examples. When they can do that, our words have much more weight and authority in their lives.

Be prepared, you will be tested in front of your children, and they will notice if you fail to follow your own rules. You can do it - practice what you preach!!! Your children will have a much greater respect for your rules when they see that not only do you, as an adult, still have to follow them, but that you actually do! As an added benefit, they’ll respect you more too!

in Foundations in Parenting. 0 Comments

Parent the Adult, Not the Child

by Pam Parish

This is a major paradigm shift for many parents, but it’s critical. It doesn’t matter what age your children are, you have to parent from the perspective of the adult that they will one day become. Our daughters are pre-teens and we have to adjust our parenting style to recognize their growing independence and need for new freedoms, but it’s not the pre-teen that we’re parenting - it’s the women that they’re growing into. We tell our girls all the time, “We aren’t parenting the 12/11 year-old that you are right now, we’re parenting the adult that you are one day going to be.” When you see it this way, it changes how you view the importance of what you’re doing today.

By viewing our parenting as molding adults, we don’t tolerate or accept a lot of the behaviors that are often associated with “that’s just how pre-teens… teens… etc..” are. If our daughters have a problem with lying, we address it quickly, because I’d rather deal with it now than ignore it or accept it and let them grow up with a problem that hinders their lives as adults. If they have an issue with respect, we ask them, “When you’re an adult, do you think your husband or boss will accept disrespect? or do you think it might cost you your marriage or your job?” I would much rather challenge them now, and even make them mad at me from time to time, then to have them mad at me later, as adults, when they’re lives are messed up and filled with disappointment and they wonder why never prepared them for it.

You see, it’s critically important that we think about the adults that they will one day become because I don’t want to wake up one day and the opportunities to help them craft their futures are behind us. They have tremendous potential - it’s our job to help them understand that and be the best individuals that they can be.

in Foundations in Parenting. 0 Comments