By Pam Parish

Boy, I have to admit that this one is much easier to say than it is to do. However, I know that it’s invaluable to my relationships with my daughters that I understand where they’re coming from and what’s important to them. It’s so easy as a parent to forget what’s going on inside their hearts and heads and focus only on what I think the issue is from my angle. The danger in doing that is that I limit my understanding and, in turn, my response, correction or advice becomes inadequate.

We have to recognize that as our children get older, their perspectives change based on what’s going on in their bodies and in their peer groups. While it may have been easy for you to say, “No, I’d rather you not do xyz…” and your child respond with understanding and obedience, that may suddenly change and now your child throws a rather big fit over the issue. At this moment, it’s easy to accuse the child of disrespect or disobedience (and, depending on their tone, these may need to be addressed) - but, we need to also look deeper and see that maybe something deeper is behind their response. It could be as simple as, “everyone is going” and while we may want to just brush that off, we need to be sensitive enough as parents to take a deeper look. Maybe the real root is that your child is feeling like an outsider because all of their friends are doing certain things that they aren’t - this is an issue of self-esteem that, as a parent, you can use as an opportunity to bring wisdom and guidance. And, maybe, after considering the deeper issue, you’ll discover that what you thought was important to begin with needs a little modification on your end - hey, it’s ok - we all do it.

These types of things have happened many times in our household where we had to look deeper at values that our children were developing such as freedom, independence and peer relationships. We’ve found it to be extremely important that we understand these developing values in our children so that we can look at the things through their lenses. This not only gives you understanding as a parent, but it brings the trust level way up with your child when they know that you’re seeking to understand them and help them above all else.

I realize that this can be difficult, and believe me, I’m not always successful at it myself. I do know, however, that I’d rather take some time to understand my kids than to have them groaning under their breath or behind my back that they just “can’t wait to get outta here” when their older.

This is just another area where looking at myself and using wisdom not only makes me a smarter parent, but helps my kids understand that at least I’m trying. I gotta get a little street cred for that, huh?